I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I stole a fireplace last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
