I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
