wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
