I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
