Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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