Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
