ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
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