I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
