so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
