Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
