tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
