hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
