If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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