I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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