she is the kim kardashian of front butts
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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