My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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