I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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