I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
