Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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