She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
