Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
