she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize