Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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