I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
