You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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