Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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