...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
