My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize