It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
