do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
