my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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