We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
