Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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