Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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