now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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