genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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