Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
