lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
