Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
