you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
