Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
