Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
