lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
