If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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