im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
