I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
