I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
