got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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