"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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