Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
