you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
