when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
