You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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