a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
