if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
