Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
