Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Two words: blizzard sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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