So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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