I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
