member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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