That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
