oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
