I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
