I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
